BACK TO SCHOOL

As you might have guessed, I have changed my path in life in the past three years quite drastically. 

From 2010 up until 2015 I was sure I was going to become a teacher and take upon my shoulders the heavy burden to shape the next generations. I might not have actually ever explained why I got off that train and fell into this limbo mode for a while before I fell into my current occupation and path. Well, let me just say, that my decision to change my life's heading did not come lightly. I actually suffered with my wants and needs for a while. I think I first started questioning my choice in 2013, right after my first real practise. I had fun, the kids were awesome and so was my instructor. It was mostly due to the changes in my university, that I felt as if maybe this isn't actually for me. 

In 2013 a new faculty member joined my small university and to this day I have no idea how she got the job. I don't want to sound mean, but given that she had actually been a teacher and handled young kids, I felt that something must be wrong in our educational system if people like her can get their claws into children. She was immediately off put by my ability to share my opinions and the way I am not shy to point out mistakes and help fix them. I find her unreasonable dislike towards students like myself very intolerable. And she kept pointing out how much of a Christian she is. Aren't Christians supposed to be forgiving and loving and understanding by nature? She was a hypocrite in more ways than one. And that's something I cannot stand. What you see is what you get with me. I take pride in that. 

After my practise abroad in France, I felt even more out of place. Again, the practise was amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It's just that I felt out of place. I could fake it, I'd learnt enough in school to manage the educating part of my mission. I just felt no warmth or love towards it. And as I mentioned in my previous paragraph, I don't like hypocrites. I had become one . I actually wanted to quit way before that point in my life, but the pressure I received from home to finish was so immense I was afraid to let my parents down. To let my whole family down as it had become the main topic at family gatherings. My grades were actually pretty fucking great. My motivation was just to please my family and that should never be the reason to do anything. They actually teach this in the university I attended. You need to have inner motivation to be successful. I did not have it anymore. 

The final straw to break the camel's back was an exam at the end of spring semester 2014. I did all my assignments on time, fixed what needed fixing. I participated in every lecture, openly shared my opinions. My homework might not have been the best but I spent hours doing it. I worked like crazy to succeed. And then comes the exam. I am the last one to go in, as everyone needed to be somewhere and I was in no hurry. I walked in and was told I only get 5 minutes as one of the teachers needs to catch a bus. All the other students got a minimum of 15 minutes. Unfair. To make matters worse, the teacher had not checked my fixed work and claimed I had not done it. I argued back, she finally checked her e-mail and confirmed that I had sent them in. She then glanced at it and gave a hurried review. I got the lowest grade out of everyone, even the ones who didn't do the exam on the right day. Even those people who used others' work as their own to pass. I felt furious, I cried. I cry when I get angry. And I was done. I had no motivation to suffer through more of this. I went on a sabbatical and that's that. 

In June of 2015 I was offered the chance to be a chef in the restaurant of the hotel I had worked at for the past 4 years. I accepted the challenge, because honestly, I wanted to learn something new. And the rest is kind of history. I love my job. I get enough excitement and rest to feel refreshed every day. Every day is different from the last. I could never put into words how thankful I am to my boss for thinking of my and taking the time to teach me some tricks to survive in our kitchen. I learn something new from her every day.

Finally, we get to the real topic. I have been working in the kitchen for the past 2,5 years, almost. I still love it. I want to keep doing it. I know I might one day want to leave Haapsalu and move back closer to my family or somewhere else new. But to continue my new career I need a piece of paper that proves I can do it. So, here's the thing. I went back to school. I am currently studying to be a chef in my local vocational school. I know there are people who will look down upon it and think that I have more potential or that vocational education is some lower level bull crap. I disagree. I just spent an entire day writing a paper for school and it felt just as challenging as university. So, if everything goes according to plan, I will be an official educated chef in about two years. I really want this. 

What I would like to add lastly to my post here, is that changing your mind is perfectly understandable. Especially if you just apply to a school, either vocational or university, to study something, not knowing if you actually want to do it. I say, if you find something better, don't waste your time suffering, make the change and take a leap. Here in Estonia, higher education is free. Just make sure you don't live your life for some one else, like I did. As long you feel happy doing whatever it is you're doing, it must be right for you. This goes for everyone. Even the serial killers among us, a necessary evil. Don't get me wrong, I don't agree with your "career path", but I get it, it's what you were made for. This just got really weird, I should just stop before I dig myself an even bigger hole. 

Fingers crossed and I'll see you in my future eatery. 

Regina.

P.S. Happy 200th post!!! Balloons, whistles and cake for everyone!