It has taken me close to 10 years to understand why I am the way I am. I have some self-esteem issues, I go out of my way to avoid confrontations and I just want to be a hermit most of the time. We can also add some intimacy issues to the mix, just to make it taste like perfection. I am now, finally, pretty sure all of this leads back to my mother’s tendency to be passive-aggressive in our daily communications.
The moment of realization hit me today, like a Homer’s Duh! moment. I don’t think she even means anything by it, it’s just how she is with me. And maybe also my dad.
I’ve been home visiting for a couple of days now and I cannot for the life of me get out of here fast enough. I never put it together, I just can’t be around her for more than two days without being stressed out and feeling like shit about myself. Three days ago she made me feel like a disappointment, when she attacked my choices to not finish university, which was 5 years ago, and now wanting to rent an apartment on my own once I move back to Pärnu. She just had to make me question my decisions, being all: “What if...” you don’t find a job, you can’t afford it, we wanted to get your room a new bed, etc. I actually want to cry when I think about this.
Every time I have some good news, she just has to make some comment to make it seem smaller than it is. If I say I’m feeling sick or ill, she thinks I’m just blowing it out of proportion. I am actually sick only twice a year, maybe. And if I say I feel bad, I actually feel bad.
So, now I am trying to make some sort of plan for my near future. How do I heal myself, keep myself safe from further damage and avoid hurting her feelings? Because, let me tell you, there’s no way I am telling her all this. She will for sure take it as an attack and turn it all back on me.
I love my mother, I really do, but sometimes I don’t like her. And I cannot be around her for long stretches of time anymore. I feel like she lacks empathy sometimes. I wish I could remember my childhood conversations with her, to know if she’s always been like this or has something changed in the past 15 or so years. I know it was line this when I was a teenager, that’s when my running from confrontations began.
As of today, my only course of action is limiting our time together as much as possible, without making it too obvious. I just have to sneak around a bit, living my life the way I want to live it. And that means: not moving back home, EVER again. No matter how broke living on my own makes me, I cannot stay with her, if I want some chance to keep my sanity and mend my mental health.
Shit. Being gone for such a long time, first thing to post being this serious... I am one odd ball.
If you have some experiences with this topic and have found a way to deal with it, share some tips. I need them.
Best to y’all!
Reggie
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