WHY HAPPY THINGS MAKE ME CRY?

I have a small addiction. I really enjoy watching videos of Golden Buzzard winners of Got Talent shows on YouTube. They are mostly incredibly talented people, who get an automatic pass to the live shows. Every judge has one buzzard to press on during the audition process. And I have no idea why, but it makes me cry when I see how much joy it gives the contestant.

I know it's due to empathy, probably. You hopefully know what empathy is? If not, then I'll explain in two sentences:

Empathy is the ability to sense other people's emotions and state of being, for example when a co-worker is upset, you know to back off and give them space. Empathy is something most people have, unless you are a sociopath and of course there are those of us, who have a bigger empathic ability than others.

That was two sentences, as promised.

Anyway, I cry when I see people happy. I can't help it, I just tear up and then they fall and roll off my face. I feel like an idiot, sitting in my room, watching videos online and crying about it. And it's not like I feel jealousy when I watch these. I don't ever imagine myself in their spot, I know I have no show quality talents. I mean I can crochet really fast and maybe speak four to five languages, if I must. I can't sing, I play the piano very poorly and last I checked, reading books in two years was not a talent either.

I guess what I'm trying to point out here is, that happiness makes me sad.

Sad things just don't have that effect on me as often. I could be watching a devastatingly beautiful film, with the saddest ending and I know I should feel something and be sad, too, but I just can't get there. For example, I went and saw Logan, back when it came out, with my bestie K.K (thank gods she doesn't have a middle name that starts with a K as well). I really-really loved the film. I'm a big fan of R-rated products, especially superhero related. I still watch Deadpool on a semi-regular basis and don't fret! I bought a digital version of it, I own it, so I'm not stealing from anyone whilst enjoying my humour and murder. But when it comes to Logan, I mean even I felt it got a bit too violent at some points. I think I actually cringed at some point. I know my friend is not that big into violence, and I get it. It's only us weirdos who can enjoy something so brutal wholeheartedly. Anyhow, if you've seen this film, you know how it ends. If not, LOOK AWAY CHILD! because here comes the spoiler: Logan dies. And it's the saddest movie moment ever. I have been a fan of Wolverine ever since the first X-Men and to have him be sent off like this, I mean it was a perfect goodbye to one of the most animal heroes in the known comic-verse. He couldn't go out petting puppies, is all I'm saying.

Back to the point! This sad ending, sadder than anything I've seen in a year or so, didn't make me cry. Not one tear fell. I knew crying would have been a normal reaction to this masterpiece, but nothing came out. I looked over to my friend and I even felt guilty for not being an emotional wreck. It's not to say that she was wailing like a baby, I don't think she is as involved in the superhero movie business as I am. I mean, I get obsessed rather easily when it comes to these types of things. But the point is, that I felt nothing. Maybe some light heart ache, for saying goodbye to a character I've been following for years. I mean when Infinity War 2 comes out and the contracts run out, I'm going to riot in my head, quietly resenting time and aging. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Haha! I'm insane.

I get emotional rather quickly, I find my empathy sometimes too disturbingly powerful. I just can't stand to see others upset. And it carries on to these happy videos with people in them I've never seen or heard of until then. Why happiness makes me cry, I have no idea. Mu brain chemistry is somewhat wack. 

And to close this one off:

I cannot watch these happy videos around other people. I am half ashamed to be this much of a freak when it comes to this topic. But then again, maybe that is the reason. I went to see Logan with a friend, if I had been alone, maybe I would have cried. Who knows?

Anyhow, I will leave you be and just retreat into my self-made isolation cocoon.

See you soon,

Regina.