The Sadness Under the Smile

I have no right to complain or be ungrateful. My life, as it is today, is pretty good. I have found a dwelling that satisfies all needs, location comforts me even in my darkest days. I have two amazingly annoying cats, who seem to care for my affection, at least they do at 4 a.m. My work is challenging enough to keep all sense of idleness at bay. At the same time it doesn't torture me with stress or lack of motivation. I have enough time in the daylight to do my crafts or waste time on random useless endeavors, such as this blog post years after my last one. My immediate family has not grown neither shrunk. My sister's kid is the biggest ray of sunshine in my life, being his aunt will probably be my greatest achievement. And that is all fine by me. 

And yet at this very moment in time and place, I am staring out the window and feel like I need a good cry. 

Maybe it has something to do with the way things are going on Earth. Genocide in Gaza, war still going on in Ukraine, USA becoming a fascist regime. There's plenty to choose from. There are issues and problems that would bum out people with William's Disease. 

And yet I think the reason is simply narcissism in my case. I just had my birthday and not one person outside of my immediate family and work life remembered it. I might be childish, but it's also no secret I love my birthday, getting older and wishing happy birthday as early in the day as possible. It breaks my heart, not just that no one remembered, but also that I am bothered by it. What a stupid thing to be sad about. I don't particularly like the fact that one of the main reasons that might be, is that I don't have social media at the moment. I find it moronic we as friends and family need Facebook to tell us when our loved ones are celebrating important events. And how am I do call you my best friend if I never cross your mind without that reminder? 

I know I should not care this much about it, but I truly feel hurt and am in need of a good long cry. So, Sleep Token in the background and cursor hovering over the most depressing documentary I can find is the way I will go. 

Or maybe I just need some sleep.

The world is burning.

 

2022 is the worst year I've ever had to live through. I'm 30, almost 31, and this is the craziest year of my lifetime. How come our world is so fucked up, that in three months - could even say in the first two - the whole world decided to burn to the ground? Yeah, we've had the pandemic for two years now without an end in sight. Yes, the economy has been struggling ever since the pandemic started. But how in the fuck did it get even worse in just two months? I don't even know how to explain the war raging in Ukraine. It's just so insane that all of this has to happen at the same time. That it even happens at all, during a century when medicine, science and all-around knowledge is so high, we as humans should know better.

I live in Estonia. One of the small Baltics, that have taken Russia as a big threat always. We have never forgotten what was done to our people. As most Ukrainians probably. I work with Ukrainians every day. They are for sure the most optimistic people I know. I love them. Their realistic, but positive outlook on this whole situation makes it possible for me to sleep at night. They are sure victory will be theirs. And I have no other expectations to this situation. How could it ever end any other way? This is not a civil war. It's not a terrorist group in the country. It's not even a part of the country wanting to be a separate country. It's one of the largest countries on the planet trying to occupy a neighboring independent country. The shit that has replaced Putin's brain is incredible. There must be something wrong with him, on a molecular level, if he thinks this will end well for him. He has turned his country back in time 30 years and if he keeps it up, it will be back to the stone age for them. I mean, they are already crying about losing McDonald's and Coca Cola. No Adidas tracksuits, no new iPhones. Life must be sad for the average Russian. 

I must add here, that I do not blame the Russian people for this. It is not their war, it is their leaders' war. And there's a simple fix to this problem. Just eliminate the problematic factor and all will return to the good old times, when Russians could use Visa/MasterCard to buy a Mercedes from the dealership. 

I just don't know what to do. All my regular hobbies somehow seem pointless. Like they don't matter that much in comparison. I just started to read books again, and not for my bookclub, but for entertainment. I even went to the library for the first time in 10-12 years to borrow books. AND I'm reading in Estonian. Something I have avoided mostly for the same amount of years. 

Knitting shawls is also like pointless. I have nowhere to go with them, no one to give them to. I think I have made a shawl to everyone who could use one. 

I do have a cat now, but she is as much for comfort as she causes stress. Her health is a bit tricky at the moment and I just hope it ends well for us. 

And my work. It keeps me too busy. I turned into a sushi chef. And I also have to manage the kitchen as the sous chef. A promotion I got three months after starting working in the place. I can't even put into words how nice it feels to be appreciated like that. I don't mean to bash my previous boss or workplace, but I was kind of taken for granted there a bit too much sometimes. This has been a good experience for the most part. Good for my low self-esteem for sure. 

How did I usually finish these pointless rants? It's been two years since I last even thought about typing down my thoughts. Maybe I will pick it back up. Who knows, I for sure don't. 

So. This is bye. Maybe forever. Maybe not. I guess only our fucked up Universe knows for sure. 

Living with a passive-aggressive mother - Move out fast!

It has taken me close to 10 years to understand why I am the way I am. I have some self-esteem issues, I go out of my way to avoid confrontations and I just want to be a hermit most of the time. We can also add some intimacy issues to the mix, just to make it taste like perfection. I am now, finally, pretty sure all of this leads back to my mother’s tendency to be passive-aggressive in our daily communications. 

The moment of realization hit me today, like a Homer’s Duh! moment. I don’t think she even means anything by it, it’s just how she is with me. And maybe also my dad. 

I’ve been home visiting for a couple of days now and I cannot for the life of me get out of here fast enough. I never put it together, I just can’t be around her for more than two days without being stressed out and feeling like shit about myself. Three days ago she made me feel like a disappointment, when she attacked my choices to not finish university, which was 5 years ago, and now wanting to rent an apartment on my own once I move back to Pärnu. She just had to make me question my decisions, being all: “What if...” you don’t find a job, you can’t afford it, we wanted to get your room a  new bed, etc. I actually want to cry when I think about this. 

Every time I have some good news, she just has to make some comment to make it seem smaller than it is. If I say I’m feeling sick or ill, she thinks I’m just blowing it out of proportion. I am actually sick only twice a year, maybe. And if I say I feel bad, I actually feel bad. 

So, now I am trying to make some sort of plan for my near future. How do I heal myself, keep myself safe from further damage and avoid hurting her feelings? Because, let me tell you, there’s no way I am telling her all this. She will for sure take it as an attack and turn it all back on me. 

I love my mother, I really do, but sometimes I don’t like her. And I cannot be around her for long stretches of time anymore. I feel like she lacks empathy sometimes. I wish I could remember my childhood conversations with her, to know if she’s always been like this or has something changed in the past 15 or so years. I know it was line this when I was a teenager, that’s when my running from confrontations began. 

As of today, my only course of action is limiting our time together as much as possible, without making it too obvious. I just have to sneak around a bit, living my life the way I want to live it. And that means: not moving back home, EVER again. No matter how broke living on my own makes me, I cannot stay with her, if I want some chance to keep my sanity and mend my mental health. 

Shit. Being gone for such a long time, first thing to post being this serious... I am one odd ball.

If you have some experiences with this topic and have found a way to deal with it, share some tips. I need them. 

Best to y’all!

Reggie 

MY LONDON

My time in London had come and gone. It was a fun 30 days, full of stories I could never put into one little post, but I will try and summarise it now. Firstly, for all my Estonian readers, here's the link to the page I created for my practise: http://tinyurl.com/lndprakt

If You do not read Estonian, here's where You could see the pictures from my adventure: PICTURES

And if You wish to learn a bit more, here's my story:

I spent 30 days in London. Lived as a local and also worked as a local. It was supposed to be a practise, but it turned into a full-blown work experience, which is too cool to even start to describe. It was supposed to be a chef's practise and that it was, in it's core. Since day 1 I was put to work as part of the team in the kitchen and it never stopped. Of course I got to do simple preparation tasks, but everyone did them at some point, so I don't feel as if my presence was taken advantage of. 

Some of my highlights were the first day, a Labour party LGBTQ+ event and dealing with not having anyone in charge. That last weekend was kind of hell on earth, but I guess it taught me a lot about myself. It turns out that when I see something wrong, I don't just stand around, I take up the position of common sense and can dish out commands to my senior co-workers. This opportunity also taught me that I can handle a new environment, which was something I was dreading a bit. As some of my closest people might know, the main reason I even went to school was to get the paper to open the doors of other establishments for me as I plan to leave Haapsalu and move on with my life. I want to live and work closer to my family. And now I know I can adjust and handle the challenge. 

I also got to see London, not just as a tourist. Pretty amazing. I know now that I would never want to live in a place that is so over-populated. I need my empty spaces and silence. London is a mixing pot of all sorts of cultures and I enjoyed every bit of coming in contact with them. Who wouldn't? But living in a place where you travel an hour to and from work, standing always in a line for something, no! I don't think I would like that. 

I don't even know how to put it into words. This month was full of little things that were all incredible. I met some cool people, learnt more about cultures than I imagined or could have in my little country. I ate foods I will probably never eat again. And I missed my family, Estonian cuisine and the quietness of our little country. I wanted to go and I also wanted to come back. Maybe I am getting old or too sentimental. When I  was living in France, I really didn't have these issues, except for the food part. 

How to conclude this? It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime chance and I am grateful I got to experience it. I will take away from this a lot of good memories and one pretty important realisation: I don't like Lithuanians (the exceptions make the rule).

R.

Turn the Events

Okay. So.

I'm not going to change my blog for my London experience. I went a bit over-board and created a special Google Sites for it. Will not link or share it until after my practise. I added my location and all that fun stuff I am comfortable sharing with my friends and family, so.. Sorry.

But once I'm back, I will link it here or just try and make a summary post here... We'll see.

In Fair Warning

Just to not totally pull the rug form underneath everyone's feet, I must warn the few people who stumble around here, that I am going to post in Estonian from Feb 12th until Mar 16th. 

The reason is quite simple and, to be frank, awesome. I will be living and learning (plus working) in London for that period. I was lucky enough to receive a paid foreign practise. Who knew one could get this opportunity twice in their life? Hell, I'm super excited and thrilled to do this.

In London, I will get to live as a random person on the street. There's no one to manage things, but myself. I will be working in a local restaurant, don't yet know what type it will be. I will have my very own Oyster Card to travel the city. I will get to see all the things I've learnt about in school, once upon a time I actually dreamt about being an English teacher. 

I will also, fingers crossed, get to travel South for a couple of days. I hope to visit France, my first place of awesome experiences. And mostly, I really hope to see my little C.M all grown up. (One of my students). 

So. Here's a quick update on how my life is going. Back to knitting and being an awesome grandmother.

High tens all around,

Reggie.

I don't care about my fall schedule anymore

So. Here's an obvious statement - I've been a very bad person. My blog had been quiet for so long, I actually forgot it existed for a while. Spank, spank, spank. And here I am. Doing my usual post for this time of year, in an unusual manner. I don't actually have a list to post. Yup, I have grown up and am now a very old person. 

I don't actually see a point in making a list, when there's like a couple of shows I'm interested in. And I bet you already guessed which one would be the first on on my "list". Supernatural is airing it's 14th season and I'm still watching. Lucifer moved to Netflix, which means I will binge it later. Most of the things I'm actually interested in are Netflix shows. So no schedules to make. 

I will say that I'm kind of disappointed in today's tv-show producing companies. How they cancel shows with rabid fans and keep shows that only get hate, I will never understand. Lucifer is actually a good example here. I'd also add Deception to this list as I unfortunately found it once the first season had aired and it was public knowledge we wouldn't get more of it. 

But I digress. There's no list to make. Therefore, here's a short summary of my summer activities: went to a rock festival in Estonia (for a change), spent a weekend in Latvia with my Latvian friends, celebrated my birthday with a close friend enjoying Hollywood Undead live and watched my nephew grow like a freaking monster. Oh, and at the end of the summer, forced chemo therapy down my family's dog's throat only to bury her a few days later. That was so much fun (heaviest sarcasm ever). 

I just recently got back from Poland. My family got a new dog, he's a baby, so I don't really have much to say here. I've only spent a couple of hours with him and that was kind of weird. I might be a bit too old to gush like a fool, he's cute but not mine. I'm sure he'll grow on me, at the moment I don't feel anything towards him. 

Still going to school. Still working at the same place. Still trying to live the best life I can. 

For the near future, I can only mention one thing: going to Berlin in March with my mother. 

See, my life is as dull as ever. I went to see all the Marvel movies (that includes Venom that just came out - not as bad as I feared. Fantastic Four is still the worst). Binged Brooklyn 99. Knitted a shit ton of things for my co-worker as she just gave birth to a baby girl. Looks adorable. Read a bunch of stupid books. Dull.

And that I think is all I have to say. Maybe I'll find something else to write, sometime before next October, but who knows. 

Peace!

Reggie.